What’s your birth beer? A totally scientific month-by-month guide

For thousands of years, cultures around the world have connected certain beers with birth months and zodiac signs. Bible historians, for example, have long associated the 12 beers present at the Last Supper with the various months of the year. Judeo-Christian tradition states that each of the 12 beers embodies the characteristics of those born in that month.
So, what does your birth beer say about you?

 

January: Russian Imperial Stout

 

You’re strong, dark and brooding, and, let’s be honest, really only tolerable in small amounts. It’s not that you can’t play nice with others, it’s just that your personality is somewhat overpowering and you tend to lose control. You don’t really respect boundaries, either (*cough* UKRAINE *cough*).

 

February: English Brown Ale

 

You’re working class and proud of it. And why shouldn’t you be? You put in a hard day’s work, you pay your taxes, you recycle. You’re the backbone of this great nation and you deserve a pint. Or seven.

 

March: Gose

 

Yeah, you’re a bit f*cking salty, but that’s the f*cking way you are, and if anyone else doesn’t f*cking like it, too f*cking bad. However, while your lack of a filter is refreshing, too much can become tiresome and off-putting.

 

April: Hefeweizen

 

A little bit fruity, a little bit spicy, and a whole lot of fun at parties. You don’t need that orange twist, but you’re feeling fabulous, so why the hell not? After all, if you got it, flaunt it!

 

May: IPA

 

Big and bold and bitter like a twice-divorced trucker with opinions no one wants to hear. You’re in everybody’s face and we can smell you from across the room. Seriously, take it down a notch.

 

June: Light lager

 

I have bad news for you. Nobody likes you; they merely tolerate you. You are what people settle for when there are literally no other options. You’re as tasteless as you are transparent.

 

July: Saison

 

Yeah, you’re a little tart. But the world could use more tarts in it, so no judgment here.

 

August: Belgian Trappist ale

 

Outwardly you project a sense of enlightenment. There’s a calmness to your demeanor that you’ve worked very hard to cultivate. But it doesn’t take much for everything to go off the rails. Moderation is (or should be) your mantra.

 

September: Kolsch

 

You’re a refreshing person to talk to, and the more time one spends with you, the more you reveal. On the surface, you hide that depth of character, but those close to you see you for the complex, affable person you are.

October: Marzen

 

You came here to do two things: eat pretzels and get wasted. And you’re all out of pretzels.

 

November: Sour ale

 

What you think of as your “acerbic wit” looks like “wanton douchebaggery” to everybody else. This is why you don’t get invited to parties anymore.

 

December: Barleywine

 

You give off an air of class and sophistication at first glance, but deep down, you know you’re a slobbering pisstank like the rest of us.